Trying to figure out where I went wrong!

Sometimes, even small things put u off the hook and it just happens all of a sudden. The impact they create in proportion to the actual weight of the thing itself , is sometimes not even worth comparing.. coz then in that case, all you would be forced to do is to wonder about the authenticity of mathematics or whatever..

Guess it all plays around timing of the conversation. Sometimes even that smallest of things can have a profound impact on your psyche and at other times you have the heart to bear even the most disturbing issues without really troubling yourself beyond a cretain limit.

To a third person what happened yesterday may feel really insignificant considering the course of the events. But to me, the perspective was all together different coz  I was the one who was a part of that picture..I guess feelings were just getting pent up inside... and at the first given opportunity were ready to explode.

But the impact of the explosion was also borne by me.. so in this case it was a suicidal bomb i guess!

So all in all, I crashed n burned yesterday.. only to be reborn from the ashes!

A new day.. a new way!!

Scattered Thougts !!

Revisiting my blog after a long long time. Feels good to be back!
Today just happens to be one of those off days for me. And when you have such a day, you are driven to think all that you are not suppose to think.

So instead to sitting and simply racking my brains & burning my head out, I thought of penning down my thoughts instead, so as to constructively use my time and energy.

I donot know what may eventually come out in this post but even if there is negativity that is gono come out.. so be it.. as long as it is vented out on a blog or a piece of paper without really hurting anyone.. I should be okay with it.

Hmmm..the trigger for me is always a fight with a loved one which eventually leads me into thinking and introspection ! And while introspecting there isn't just one aspect that you visit.. which is precisely what has happenend. I just feel so many things are questionable that sometimes it makes me .. ummm.. forget it!
For one , I donot know what exactly do I want from life. A loving husband was definitely on the cards and I m glad and eternally thankful to God for giving me one. But it doesn't just stop there... What about Career??

CAREER!

Caught up in a place full of experienced people, it does make me feel insecure & incompetent at times.

Competitive spirit seems to be dying out coz I don't really have my peers to compete with.

On the flip side the greatest advantage of such a set up is... I get to be in the renowned company of very experienced & learned gentlemen who have a lot to impart.

So i really won't deny that it has been a learning curve, but still satisfaction levels are low. Now whay is that so !

When I really try to think, the first question I ask myself is , "Do I really enjoy my work?" and my answer comes out like... "Its okay" and this does bother me.

 Honestly it could be because we do not  have any orders in hand, so the challenge , the pull, the pressure is never felt.. and when that is not there, u tend to get complacent. And hence you not driven to give in your best.

I have always loved living on the edge.. with quick decisions.. ample  stuff to keep me engaged.. but that just doesn't seem to happen. Offlate, all I have become is a lazy bum.. who even at the tought of a morning walk cringes!! Now that is sooooo sooo not done !

People do keep harping about self motivation. But let me tell you that is the toughest hing to do!!

Plus to make things worse, there is this management course which has come up, which requires me to sacrifice a considerable bit in terms of time n committment. I still am trying to figure out if I m ready!

Now thats a lame excuse, coz its a great opportunity n I shoud be grabbing it with both hands...but whats holding me is the timing of it..

Now once again its a question of priority..  education first or FAMILY first. If I go for it, most certainly, plans to have a FAMILY have to be on hold for atleast 2 years.
Am I willing to sacrifice that...coz I m not the only one in that desision!

Age is right.. but is the attitude right?? uffff !! Why do u need to answer yourself on so many occasions!

The last thing I want is to be answerable to anyone... But then how do you excape yourself! A tough one isn't it !!

So just trying to figure out those answers!! trying to take a plunge!

War vs Talks: PM’s Pak push deserves support - Telecast on IBN

Liked a couple of things people said...so just quoting

Prasad -----the destiny of India and Pakistan can never be together. “You can try and talk to them but the differences are fundamental. India is secular and democratic while Pakistan is theocratic and controlled by the military. Pakistan has elements who want to bleed India.”
( A strong statement.. but indeed true!!.. No intentions of hurting ny sentiments )

G Parthasarthy ---- talks did not mean just sweet talking. They have to be combined with some pressure. “Don’t give them freebies. There is something called diplomatic pressure. There are means of getting the Pakistan army to behave and I am not talking about coercive diplomacy here. I have no doubt in my mind that President Zardari is well-meaning and wants good relations with India but unfortunately the point is that everyone – all foreign powers when they are in Pakistan – call on General Kayani and not on the Pakistan Foreign Minister. So let’s be clear about who calls the shots there and we have to get their army to behave.”

hmmmm....

Tharoor---- one statement did not summarise Indian foreign policy – be it on Pakistan or on any other nation.

“I think the critics of the statement are guilty of blowing it all out of proportion. We will deal with Pakistan with eyes wide open. I don’t think the people who are planning attacks frankly are studying diplomatic statements. I also don’t think that it serves the national consensus by attacking ourselves over a few words here and there when the fundamental issue for us is our safety and security and the need to live in peace in our sub-continent,” he concluded the debate by saying!!

Legend of Michael Jackson

The embodiment of eccentricity and child like escapism, Michael Jackson was a pop star who's talent turned him into a global wonder. His 40 years in public eye, as both a beloved performer and a tabloid curiosity, were crammed with headline grabbing moments. From the moonwalk to Billie Jean to the sequined glove to the voice that could sting & soothe , Jackson commanded a rare international appeal. The King of Pop has died but his music lives on . - Gulf News

Michael Jackson - U will be truly missed !!

It took me almost a week to sit down to finally to write this...To begin with.... just look at the irony... my friend who actually introduced me to his music, it was on her birthday, that he passed away.. I don't know what she must have felt.......We both just adored him , loved him.. n use to sing n dance to his music...for as long as I can remember of my time with her. Anyways.....

The journey of Michael Jackson from being MJ to King of Pop to being the Greatest Entertainer the World had ever known to being labeled as Whacko Jacko...has been nothing but phenomenal and to be able to experience all of it in a span of 50 years was both a Blessing as well as a Curse!!

To begin with ,I do not know what Michael Jackson would be remembered as :

A Shattered Icon?
A Pop Genius who wound up a mutant of Fame?
Or an Unmatched/Unparalleled Genius ?

For many he was a mixture of mystery, isolation, indulgence, overwhelming global fame and personal loneliness, but for me he was and will always be truly a STAR, who simply outshined all the others with his pure talent, brilliance & hard work.I was never a listener of music per say but just got glued to his songs from the moment I heard them... It was with his songs that my love for music took a reckoning :)

The thought woven into his lyrics coupled with his charismatic voice, stunning musical versatility & innovative dance moves, when finally delivered was purely MAGICAL!!

The gamut of emotions portrayed in his various foot tapping numbers as well as the soft soulful numbers were all encompassing!

For days and days together I have been scanning every article written on him, browsing through all his videos... Listening to his music while driving..Downloading his pictures...
Don’t know why... but the thought of accepting this blatant truth of his death is shattering and extremely difficult to come to terms with.

I just wished, he wouldn’t have left the way he did... An Unfinished Chapter. Seeing him sing away to the packed houses at the O2 Arena in London would have been such a treat to all his fans... Just wished that this concert would have been his Curtain Call before he bid his final Adieu..... Oooooh Michael!!

Just wish to quote a couple of lines from one of his wbsites- "Michael Jackson was lauded and ridiculed. He broke down barriers and built them around himself. He soared to heights unimaginable with his music, and he made the ignominious front page of gutter tabloids worldwide. For Michael Jackson, the spotlight was always present, and the rest of the world followed"

Though all of it is true but notwithstanding all of that , there is one thing that I truly believe in .. what a person has given to the world is what he must be remembered for ...and not for his personal shortcomings or failures... and this legend has given us a legacy that is priceless, most cherished by all music lovers across the globe and something that we all should carry in our hearts and pass it on to the generations to come... He truly is a GENIUS!!

Wish to conclude with a couple of lines from his song… which in every sense portrays what he was !

“Every day create your history
Every path you take you're leaving your legacy
Every soldier dies in his glory
Every legend tells of conquest and liberty

Don't let no one get you down
Keep movin' on higher ground
Keep flying until
You are the king of the hill

No force of nature can break
Your will to self motivate
She say this face that you see
Is destined for history”
LOVE U MICHAEL !!!

????

I have more than started to believe that well timed silence has more eloquence than speech....provided it is exhibited at a place & time where it has relevance.......And the impact it generates surpasses everything! I can say so.. because …I have been at the receiving end.

Very recently I read somewhere that " People do not know what they want in life , but are very certain of what they don't want " but in my case the irony is that I am unable to figure out both... what I want or What I don't want.

Now that speaks of how complicated my mind is or may be how indecisive I'm by nature.... In either case , it is neither good for my personal growth nor is it good for people around me... coz eventually they are the ones bearing the brunt of all the anguish & turmoil that I go through because of reasons at times not even known to me !

Which again is a pain ! coz hurting ur loved ones is the last thing that I want to do but more often than not, that is precisely what I end up doing.

God help me !

Had saved it as a draft ..was re reading today n now I’m not even able to figure out the event that led to this write up... FUNNY isn’t it... anyways .... whatever was the reason...what came out was something.. I strongly needed to address... n I guess I have been able to do so... in the past couple of months... for which I m really glad !

God did help me n that’s the reason it has now come out of the draft mode ;)

I WILL....

What I really dislike about myself is that I begin things with great enthusiasm, spirit , conviction and a belief that I would continue to maintain the same level of committment all throughout.

But halfway through, I just completely miss out on it...It has been happening repeatedly... n everytime.. I only end up telling myself that "not his time Divya!!!!" but sadly.. I prove myself wrong every other time !

Now this has been really frustrating ... I just seem to have completely given up on it....

Be it gymming, be it writing my blog, be it playing TT,initiatives in office..n sometimes even relationships !!

I mean why am I not able to sustain things .. why am I not able to trigger my self with the same enthusiasm...to be able to drive myself to bring out the desired outcomes ....why do I lack the will to go on with it.. WHY ?????

This is something I keep asking myself... over n over again..

Come to think of it.. I may have trillions of excuses to support myself.. but then I know that I m only fooling myself by resorting to them ... after all I m answerable to no one but myself!!

N thats where I miserably fail ! :( :( :( n thats when I start writing like this.. which again is something I dislike !!! :(

I probably would have never published this. but what makes me do it .. is because this time I have resolved to myself .. that I will be totally committed n focussed to whatever I choose to do.. no matter how small/big, significant/insignificant teh thing may be.....and will not give up on it easily....

And the first thing on the list is GYMMING.....way to go girl... shed atleast a couple of kgs in the next one month :)

Lets see how far it takes me.. ALL THE BEST D :) !!

Worth giving a thought !

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling .
“No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.
No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.
And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by choice”

Fair & Square !!

Sometimes you end up being so UNFAIR,
You hurt the ones for whom you CARE,
Eventually the pain becomes too acute to BEAR,
And then all you are but consumed with FEAR !!

Fear of losing the relationship so DEAR !!

So then what you should do is ,to SWEAR,
To always bridge & never to TEAR,
And caution yourself to always BEWARE,
Of never hurting the ones for whom you CARE !!

Love-Time-Connection !!!!

Sometimes you are so caught by surprise & so touched with the gestures of your loved ones ..that u begin contemplating if u r actually worthy and if u actually deserve all that Love...

It all just seems so SURREAL !!

The acts may seem small n insignificant to others, but for the one who is experiencing the sincerity, soulfulness & the thoughtfulness of the act, it is nothing but a profound emotion that is worthy of an equally intense & a heartwarming reciprocation.

I don't know.. but I assume that this expression of thought has a lot of bearing to the fact that I am truly missing my family & friends back in India...

Offlate , there have been many instances which have touched me, moved me, stirred me to the very core and have made me thank God each time with the deepest sense of gratitude !!

I just feel so blessed to be surrounded by such lovely people with such magnanimous heart which has the capacity to shower Love unconditionally & without even an ounce of an expectation in return !!

Such is their greatness!!

They invest their TIME and which according to me is the BEST EXPRESSION of LOVE !!

Time is your most precious gift because you only have a limited amount of it . When you give someone more time , you are giving out a portion of your life that you will never get back. That is why , the greatest gift you can give someone is your time !!

Relationships take time and effort and that is why the best way to spell love is T-I-M-E.

The most desired gift of Love is focused attention . Love concentrates so intently on another person that you forget yourself at that moment. Attention says " I value you enough to give you my most precious asset- my time". Wwhenever you give your time , you are making a sacrifice and sacrifice is the essence of love.

Relationships must have priority in your life above everything else because relationship is what life is all about.. You can give without loving but you cannot love without giving.

Last but not the least Love leaves a LEGACY. How you treated other people , not your wealth or accomplishments is the most enduring impact you can leave on earth. As Mother Teresa said " It is not what you do , but how much love you put into it that matters "

LOVE IS THE SECRET OF LASTING HERITAGE!!

Love you all !!

IPL begins!!

DLF INDIAN PREMIERE LEAGUE 2008- What an incredible event!!!

With the advent of this event , we all knew that CRICKET was to change forever !!

The overwhelming memory of the tournament , however was the extent to which it captured the Indian public's imagination . From billboards to TV commercials, from chat in the street to analysis in the papers , the IPL quite simply became the part of daily life for millions of Indians .

For me the Indian Premiere League 2008 was indeed an event to remember......specially because I had the priviledge of watching two important matches n that too with my gang at L&T... :).. so it was nothing less than a treat !!

The matches were:
1. Mumbai Indians vs Kolkata Knightriders
2. The Grand FINALE : Chennai Superkings vs Rajasthan Royals ( My very own !!)

The first match was the one where we all went hysterical with all the sound n the cheer around... :)Painted in the colour of the Mumbai Indians.. Donned in royal Blue.. all we did was chant for the Mumbai Team!!! weren't silent for a second...danced ,screamed n laughed till we ran out of breath...

Being the only female in the gang, I had to keep up with my male counterparts in terms of the decibal levels...so u can imagine how much I must have tortured my throat...but then all I wanted at that moment was to channelise my energies till the last straw to cheer for the Mumbai Indians !!

The atmosphere was euphoric, with the crowds swooning to the tunes of " duniya hila denge" along with the lovely cheerleaders !! They were indeed a royal treat for the male fraternity!!

For me, getting to see Sachin, Sharukh, Shaun Pollock, Sanath Jaisurya, Ajay Jadeja, Ishant Sharma.. and a whole lot of other players was nothing but a dream come true!!

Trust me .. it was an amazing evening....and we savoured the victory of Mumbai Indians & the rocking experience of it for a long long time !!!

The second match however was the one which did not witness us in any kind of frenzy... probably because all of us were still recuperating from the hangover of the prev match as well as a bad throat .....This time around we were forced to be a lot more controlled ;)

Unlike the previous match which was one sided , this one was a true HOOKER.. ..A perfect FINALE...

And woooooh!!! my happiness knew no bounds, when the Rajasthan Royals emerged victorious...not just because they were considered as the underdogs n that they broke all perceptions but because their victory in so many ways reinforced the fact that no matter how small or insignificant the world may consider you to be , you still can make a difference only if you believe in the POWER vested in you by the Almighty.. The POWER of ONE!!

And for bringing out that spirit n belief in his team, Shane Warne deserved nothing but a standing ovation !! For the way he cajoled the youngsters in his Jaipur Franchise to a glorious triumph , he is the man to look out for in IPL 2009 !!

HALLA BOL- Rajasthan Royals ROCK !!!

My very first poem - Class VIII !!

Was going through my old diaries n this is what I found...

My very first poem....
To be honest the lines are actually by heart, but then when I came across them once again... I couldn't resist the urge to post it onto my blog.. So here we go...

People say I m bad,
But I don't find a reason to be sad.

Why should I care a fig,
For those people with wigs.

Coz they don't understand,
the real place where they stand.

God I wish these people had sense,
for then there would have been no pretence.

GOD if only I could wish !!!

PS : Please don't be critical !! At that age each one of us thinks
" I am the BEST " :)

From the Movie - "Under the Tuscan Sun"

Regrets are a waste of time.
They are the past crippling you in the present !

If you smash into something good ,
you should hold on to it until it is time to let go !

Happy Vishu People !!

First Vishu after marriage was indeed special !! You really need to experience it!

All these years it was mom who use to wake us up, and take us with closed eyes to see the "Vishu Kanni" in the morning. Now there I was .. doing the same thing n waking up my hubby to the glow of the velakku (lamp that is lighted) and the fragrance of the mullapoo (Jasmine) & the incense sticks and seeking Lord Krishna's blessings.

Now I do not know , how many of you have actually understood the significance of the day I am talking about. So lemme just give u a brief background of Vishu.

Vishu is the astronomical new year day of Kerala.
The festival is marked with offerings to the divine called Vishukkani. The offerings consist of a ritual arrangement in the room of auspicious articles like raw rice, fresh linen, golden cucumber, betel leaves, arecanut, meta mirror, the yellow flowers konna and a holy text and coins, in a bell metal vessel called URULI . A lighted bell metal lamp called nilavilalaku is also placed alongside.

This arrangement is completed the previous night.( I prefered doing it early morning ) On the day of Vishu, the custom is to wake up at dawn and go to the puja room with the eyes closed so that the Vishukkani is the first sight of the new season.

Post which , the younger ones in the family have the priviledge to ask elders for Vishu kaineetam ( Gifts ) and being the younger one in the family, that was one thing I truly missed. Now these are occasions when u feel , you shoud have been with the FAMILY..Missed my Mum in law more than anyone, esp because this was the first one after marriage :(

Now the biggest achievement for me for the day was preparing the "sadhya" ( the feast) on my own, that too early in the morning before rushing off to the office...it was nothing less than an achievement.. lemme tell u.. coz what we r talking about here is almost 5-6 dishes ;)

Sambar, Avial, Thoran, Payasam.. hmmm my mouth has already started watering folks!!.. so lemme just say good bye n head for dinner... Happy Vishu !!

The Beauty within !!

Read this poem somewhere n it so touched my heart!! Its worth a read !!

I saw a golden swan once
That had a terrible pain
Reflecting in its eyes

I asked of it
I asked "why"
It looked at me
A sad smile

I wondered then
How ironical

With the beauty it possesses
It flaunts
An equal amount of sadness
Queer...

The swan replied
No one sees
What's beneath

The real gold
Is not the glitter
Outside
Said she

Her sad gaze
Fixed deep into my eyes
That real gold
is within

A golden heart

And at that point
I saw
A golden glow
That was not metallic
Nor cold

A beauty
So heart warming
That which
Not many people hold

Do you !!!

Live Life!!

Life is best for those who want to live it,
Life is difficult for those who want to analyse it ,
Life is worst for those who want to criticize it.

OUR ATTITUDE DEFINES LIFE !!

And truly so... in my own 26 years of life , I have experienced the first two stages !!

LIFE BEING BEST AND LIFE BEING DIFFICULT !

In your younger years, you are a go getter, too involved in attaining what you dream of..
too busy chalking out your plans for your future to actually sit n analyse
your actions or LIFE in general...

So those years undoubtedly turn out to be your best !! You are HAPPY, you are vivacious, you are inncocent ,you are spirited..in all ... you are all of the good adjectives you can think off !!

Truly life is nothing but BLISSFUL !

Now then when is it that u start analysing life is the Million Dollar Question !!

We human beings are never short of goals in life and neither are we free.. infact we are too busy realising our dreams, to be actually taking out time for this so called analysis of LIFE!

Woooof!!! Ab bata bhi do yaar !!!

To lo suno!!!

The Analysis part creeps in when we face hurdles in realising those dreams.. now that could be on either fronts ... PERSONAL OR PROFESSIONAL !!

A broken relatinship, a near miss at something, a lost opportunity.... there can be examples galore!!!

That is precisely when we keep asking either ourselves or GOD as to why ME????
n then we do nothing but start digging..... deeper n deeper .. sometimes to the extent of being critical n BINGO!!.. thats when u have it !!!...

So instead if we just keep it at analysing the problem or the situation at hand .. n don't take it down to the perosnal level .. LIFE would be a lot SIMPLER & EASIER to live !!

There can be times when the tides are real rough and can bog you down... but then all u need to do is brush yourself... get up... n get going....!! n trust me.. it won't take you long to revisit the same situation mentally with a smile on ur face !!!

so folks... Enjoy your life, laugh hard, live well ,fight hard & STAY POSITIVE !!!

Lemme just conclude by saying.. " khul ke hanso, khush raho, dil se jiyo... kya pata .. KAL HO NA HO !! "

Cheers!!

My Precious!!

One look at that pic n I knew I was missing her more than ever !!
Emotions came gushing in !!! Just wished she was here right beside me right here right now!! such was the intensity of the feelings that I was hit with !!!

woooo hoooooo wait wait wait!!!!....

First things first!! Now let me get this straight....... my orientations are straight and whatever I pen down .. is purely for the love that I have for this lady!!

PURE PLATONIC LOVE !! ;)

She is known to many in my circle but for those who are not aware... she is my one of my closest PAL from College!!.she is Ms Niha Rai !!

She is undoubtedly one of the most intelligent females I have come across, and without a doubt.. she is the only one I have ever aspired to be like....coz she is all of me n more !!! Now thats a huge compliment lady!!.. u better be ready to treat me the next time I come to India.

To get to know her , u have to cross certain benchmarks u see :).. The first and the most important one is to be in her good books...and if thru.. buddy.. trust me u have earned a pal for life !!!

I just feel so blessed to have her as a part of my life.. There is so much that I have learned from her and I m sure will continue to...as long as she is there and willing to teach me!

You know Niha, u r probably the only one I completely surrender to happily... on all fronts....... U know me... I would rather die than surrender!!
My defenses just go down the drain when it comes to you...
Even when I'm not WRONG....I do not mind apologising to you for the mere fact that u r too precious to be lost !!

Let me conclude with these lines ..

If I could catch a rainbow
I would do it for you.
And share with you it's beauty
On the days you're feeling blue.

If I could build a mountain
You could call your very own.
A place to find serenity
A place to be alone.

If I could take your troubles
I would toss them in the sea.
But all these things
I am finding are impossible for me.

I cannot build a mountain
Or catch a rainbow fair
But let me be...what I know best,
a friend that's always there !!!

Love u loads Niha and miss u even more !! God Bless!!

Forgiveness continued!!

Just a while ago, had a discussion wid my hubby regarding my previous post.. n a new angle was brought in !!

P.Chidambaram according to him, would have reacted in no other manner, nor would have any other politician for that matter who had been in that role.

"Any irresponsible reaction / action would have had political implications and damaging repurcussions " is what Deepak felt.

To support the above statement he said that the sailing of the UPA government has not been smooth lately and with many of its allies snapping ties, the chances of them forming a government yet again after the upcoming elections are FEEBLE!

The tide is rough and Congress is in a vulnerable position, so under such circumstances, any sensible diplomat would do the same as what Mr. P.Chidambaram did !!

Woof!! now see the difference in the way a man and a woman perceive things.

EQ vs IQ.

For me , to an extent ignorance played its role. Not being aware of the facts , I was lead to conclude a certain perspective, but I am happy, that even in that ignorance, I only ended coming up with something positive and I am happy about it !!

IGNORANCE IS BLISS TRULY !

But on the other hand, for my hubby, it was his awareness of politics and his mature understanding of life which I m sure is far more holistic & superior than mine!!

Forgiveness!!

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong!!!

Thats precisely what I felt when saw Mr. P Chidamambaram's press conference review in one of the news channels where a shoe was thrown at him by one of the journalist.

Now I donot know what was going on in the mind of that person to resort to an act like that and whatever that it was, would have in anyway justified his act!! But what definitely struck me was the way our Defense Minister reacted. Unperturbed & with a smile on his face , he politely asked the security people to take him away gently. At that very instant , it was evident that he had nothing against this guy n that the journalist was forgiven!!

Now thats what I call a magnanimous heart with an insurmountable capacity to FORGIVE... I donot know under those circumstances how many politicians would have reacted the way he did.. forget politicians.. how many of us would have reacted to a situation like that in a way he did...the first reaction would have been anger..which could have been either displayed by a noisy outburst or probably we would have blanketed the same by Silence.

Now.. we can't be Mr Chidambaram...and neither is it required of us to be... but what we certainly can imbibe is that one quality which would stand by us all though our life.. n that is learning to FORGIVE!!

So guys.. be forgiving .. be strong!!

Rules!

Life is short
Break the rules
Forgive quickly
Kiss passionately
Love truly
Laugh constantly
And never stop smiling
No matter how strange life is !!!

Life is not always the party we expect it to be,
But as long as we are here, we should smile and be grateful.